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"Roll 'em up."
"What?"
"You know exactly what I mean. Now roll them up or I'll do it myself."
((She can see the tears welling in her mom's worried eyes...this happens everytime.))
She looks around the room; hoping for a distraction((the one that never comes)). Her mom stares knowingly at the long sleeve ((but it's Summer?)) she has fixed between her thumb and forfinger. ((Pinching so tightly, wishing that her mom would just give up.))

Tension. She's still waiting for her mom to leave the room. No matter how much her mom begs her, she'll never be able to reveal all those horrible reminders that shine across her once perfect skin.
Every line and ridge under her American Eagle flannel ((the one her mom bought for her)) screaming the same horror story.
It plays over
((and over
and over))

like the music she plays to drown out her sobs (("How did I become this?"))
the tears falling ((almost in rhythm to the music))
mixing with the crimson rush of relief ((she so desperately needs now...))

Her mom starts talking again, but she isn't listening.
Her attention has drifted away again...
drifted behind her locked door of every night ((she can remember since it all began))
drifted to her skin (("Why would you do that to yourself?!"))
drifted to the times she's needed it the most ((the nights she couldn't feel anything...100 lines until finally she was alive enough to cry herself to sleep.))

"Why can't you just be normal?!"
She always catches the end of it.
The explosion.
The part that was always the hardest to ignore

...in a few minutes her mom will calm down.
Stop crying enough to mumble something about her baby girl.
She haytes making her mom cry,
"...but it's better than having to admit ((to you Mom, the person I use to laugh with)) that I'd rather drag a razor blade across my skin ((watching the blood you gave me run down the arms I use to hug you with)) than show you how I can't feel ((anything anymore))."

I use to be your little girl...how did this happen?
Something short I wrote early in the morning.
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:iconespressotherapy:
espressotherapy Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2007
wow. this definitely hits home. i can relate. love this piece.
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:iconcookiejar-x:
cookiejar-x Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2007
Wow.
That hits home hard.
Well, that was beautiful :]
Very talented.
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:iconadorabell:
AdoraBell Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
This is...very beatiful.
It made me cry, a first for me.
It hits home i suppose, a tender part i'd rather not face.
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2007   Photographer
Why thank you. I love hearing that my piece has touched people. :]
Reply
:icondreamy346:
dreamy346 Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2007
I really liked the ending.. nicely written. Very sad though but in some ways maybe I can relate.
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2007   Photographer
Why thank you. :]
Reply
:iconlau123:
lau123 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2007   Photographer
i have actually had roughly the same conversation like this, there is no way of telling your mum that u delibveratly for whatever reason harm your own body u need to keep it to urself i felt i did
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:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2007   Photographer
Exactly my thoughts...she has walked in a time or two...and I just left the room.
Reply
:iconlaylana:
Laylana Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2007  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very close and deep... you can empathize with her very good...
I especially like the change between the current situation and the thoughts/descriptions... And particularly the last lines...
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2007   Photographer
Why thank you. I appreciate the critique. :]
Reply
:iconangel4717:
angel4717 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2006   Writer
I love this
I can really relate to this...:+fav:
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2006   Photographer
Why thank you. :)
I hoped that some of my readers would be able to.
Reply
:iconangel4717:
angel4717 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2006   Writer
np :aww:
Reply
:iconcomewhatevermay:
comewhatevermay Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2006
i really really like this piece.
maybe because i can relate to it so well.
Reply
:icongothicgurlie66:
gothicgurlie66 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2006   Writer
Wow.. That's really good. I like it, and I know how that feels.
Reply
:iconbreakinthesun:
BreakInTheSun Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
Hmm. Not bad, for what it is. The scene feels authentic, and the technique you use throughout much of the body - short line, matched with a similar-length parenthetical comment or quote - works well in conveying information, along with giving the reader of feeling of the spurts of emotion that dominate the girl's head.

My main criticism is technical - I really think that the double angle-brackets are just distracting. Ordinary curvy parentheses do exactly the same thing, and don't stick out so jarringly. If a jarring visual effect is important to you (and I can see an argument that it does contribute to the effect), maybe make the parentheticals italicised or something.

I also feel you use a bit too many elipses. For example "How did I become this?..." - the elipses don't indicate any real pause here, since they come not only after the words but after the question-mark that closes the sentence. They just sit there.

Finally, there are some spelling/capitalization errors that you should run through Word or something to find.

The last few lines - "...but it's better than having to admit... that I can't feel [[anything anymore]]." - I'm confused about the quotation marks. Is the girl saying this to her mom (if so, the grammar feels weird), or is this her internal thoughts? And if so, what are the quotation marks doing there?

And very the last line feels unneccessary, like you felt that you needed an ending, so tacked it on without any solid connection to the rest of the feel of the story. I think if you fiddle with the paragraph before a bit you can eliminate any need for it.

Anyway, overall I liked it, though I do feel that it can definitely be improved with a bit of tweaking. Good luck!
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006   Photographer
Thanks for the critiquing. I really do appreciate it.

You're right about the brackets...they were kinda distracting.

I didn't see any spelling/capitalization errors. (I always spell the word 'hate' with a 'y'. Just a habit.)

The last few lines were meant to sound like the narrator of this third person prose and the main character are the same person...by finishing the narrator's line, it sounds like they are one. Same with the ending. It's meant to sound a little autobiographical.
Reply
:iconlestuforget:
lestUforget Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
Beautiful... I especially like " [[the nights she couldn't feel anything...100 lines until finally she was alive enough to cry herself to sleep.]] "

I would do some critique, but I can't find any flaws :)

Except perhaps the overuse of the word "mom"... unless you did it on purpose to enhance the despair of the daughter. Anyway, it's an excellent work.
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006   Photographer
Yea. The 'mom' thing was on purpose.

Thanks for the comment. :]
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006   Photographer
"[[the nights she couldn't feel anything...100 lines until finally she was alive enough to cry herself to sleep.]]"

"'...but it's better than having to admit [[to you Mom, the person I use to laugh with]] I'd rather drag a razor blade across my skin[[watching the blood you gave me run down the arms I use to hug you with]]than show to you that I can't feel [[anything anymore]].'"

Those are my favourite lines.
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:iconlestuforget:
lestUforget Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
I agree :nod:
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006   Photographer
:]
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:iconthatmonkeydude:
thatmonkeydude Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
so sad and so beautiful, especially the descriptive parts in the brackets. <3
Reply
:iconinconsistenttrials:
InconsistentTrials Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006   Photographer
Thank you. :]
Reply
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